Recent reports of a 16-year-old Sydney girl’s tragic death by “sexual choking” have understandably been met by calls for increased safety education for young people.
Authors
- Kath Albury
Professor of Media and Communication and Chief Investigator, ARC Centre of Excellence for Automated Decision-Making + Society, Swinburne University of Technology
- Catherine Page Jeffery
Lecturer in Media and Communications, University of Sydney
International research shows parents play a vital role in educating young people about sex, sexuality and pornography. Starting these discussions early is vital.
So how should parents discuss pornography with their children, including risky practices such as choking?
What are some of the barriers parents face?
Most parents’ own sexuality education didn’t prepare them well for these discussions. School-based sex education has historically been focused on a narrow range of topics.
Consent education has only been mandated in the Australian curriculum since 2023. But even today, specialist teachers still feel underprepared for conversations about pornography.
The social media platforms where many young people first encounter sexual images didn’t exist when many parents were teenagers.
These factors combined have meant many Australian parents haven’t felt able to openly discuss pornography with their children – or are discussing it too late. Topics like sexual choking may be particularly uncomfortable for parents.
How can parents make sense of choking?
Choking or strangulation blocks the airways and restricts breathing. It can lead to brain injury or cardiac arrest. Bruises may occur but damage can also be invisible.
There is no way to predict when injuries or death will occur, meaning there is no “safe” way to choke someone or be choked.
Strangulation is common in intimate partner violence . Long-term effects can include trauma and brain injury.
Choking as “breath play” is also part of kink or BDSM practice. It’s considered an extremely risky practice within kink communities that must be explicitly negotiated.
Yet many young people consider sexual choking to be an edgy but common part of their peers’ sexual repertoire. More than half of Australian adults aged 18-35 have engaged in choking during sex.
While pornography that depicts choking will be refused classification in Australia, meaning it cannot be legally distributed, explicit images are widely available online. Recently, there have been calls to ban depictions of choking in Australia.
But sexual choking (like other “edgy” practices) is not only depicted in pornography. Sexual choking is also discussed or represented in television shows (including the news), films and social media – including online memes .
So children and teens may be aware of practices they haven’t seen or experienced personally.
Putting it today’s context
It’s important to acknowledge the ways contemporary digital cultures such as the manosphere promote sexual aggression as “natural” or “biologically driven”.
This forms part of influencer marketing strategies which encourage young heterosexual men to purchase commercial products and services under the guise of misogynist “relationship advice”.
At the same time, we shouldn’t romanticise the “good old days” by implying heterosexual relationships were safer or more “moral” before digital pornography and social media.
A study of more than 400 young women’s accounts of first sexual experiences in the 1980s found many stories of painful and unwanted sex.
So how can you talk to your kids and teens?
Across all stages of young people’s development, conversations about sex and porn should:
- be ongoing
- acknowledge young people’s developing sexuality
- avoid shame and stigma.
If parents talk soon and talk often , they can create the conditions where their children will feel safe and supported navigating risky sexual practices.
Parents can use an approach that’s most suitable for their own child’s age and stage of development.
Early childhood
Parents should engage in age-appropriate discussion about sex, bodies and boundaries early using correct terminology and avoiding shame and stigma.
Children should be taught about consent, respectful relationships and that they are in charge of their own bodies.
Parents should respond to children’s questions calmly and honestly. This will help lay the foundations for ongoing conversations about sex, sexuality and pornography throughout the young person’s development.
Pre-teens
This is the age at which young people may first encounter pornography.
Parents might highlight that pornography is a form of entertainment used by some adults for sexual pleasure. It shows lots of different sexual practices, some of which may be upsetting and some of which may be dangerous, such as choking.
Parents could highlight that porn involves paid actors, rather than depicting how sex is actually done or should be done. Young people should be encouraged to question what they see to develop critical approaches to pornography.
Parents need to acknowledge their child’s developing curiosity about sex and pornography. They should affirm to their child that there is nothing wrong with sexual feelings.
Parents should explain that sexual activities adolescents and adults engage in should always be respectful and consensual. Violence is not OK.
Adolescents and teens
This is a crucial time of sexual development, when young people acquire ideas, knowledge, values and beliefs about sexual relationships and sexuality.
The majority of young people will have encountered online pornography by this point. Three in four people who had seen pornography encountered it by the age of 15, and seven in eight have encountered it by the age of 16, some of which may depict high-risk sexual practices.
Parents should discuss the real risks of some sexual practices such as choking, avoiding value-laden or stigmatised language.
Emphasise the importance of consent, safety, communication and mutual pleasure between partners.
Importantly, parents of older children should engage in open discussions, inviting young people to share their perceptions, questions and experiences – and to actively listen to these accounts.
I feel out of my depth, where can I find resources?
Parents who want more information on the kinds of topics their children may have encountered can access specialised plain-language resources from health services or from sexuality educators such as Bish UK and Scarleteen .
Parents who are also survivors of intimate partner violence and sexual trauma may find it especially difficult to talk to their children about this content. Expert support is available for victim-survivors.
For information and advice about family and intimate partner violence contact 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). Men’s Referral Service (1300 766 491) offers advice and counselling to men looking to change their behaviour.
